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Dear Bible Worker,
 
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Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in Dear Bible Worker,'s LiveJournal:

Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
7:37 pm
[lost_in_my_room]
NEWS
this past weekend six_dollar_baby and i made a trek back to the restaurant where we fist discovered the Bible Worker pamphlets. we wanted to see if old BW had left us a note of any sort.

surprisingly enough, there was no note. there were no pamphlets at all! there wasn't an empty slot like maybe someone had taken the last one and the Bible Worker hadn't gotten around to putting in fresh ones, there was no empty slot at all! there were no more Bible Worker pamphlets!

the man got a mission from GOD, like the all-powerful, all seeing, all knowing, Alpha and Omega and he gave it up because of these letters!

who knew Nanaimo bars and Harry Potter could be so potent

the letters will continue, dear readers, but there will be a week break this April Fools weekend

Current Mood: amused
7:36 pm
[lost_in_my_room]
On naked zombies
Dear Bible Worker,

I was at a friend’s house the other night and we were watching some bad 80’s horror movies. This is a weekly thing for us. We meet up on Wednesday nights, grab some take-out food and make jokes about some truly awful piece of cinema. It’s great fun if you’ve never tried it.

Anyway, the film we were lampooning on the night in question was the 1985 classic ‘Return of the Living Dead.’ Return was an interesting zombie film in that it spawned a five part series and pitted people against zombies that were not just lurching automatons, but capable of running, speaking, and learning. In a famous piece of the film, a zombie uses the radio in an ambulance to request more paramedics be deployed to the scene (and thereby provide more food for the horde).

But the part that got me thinking wasn’t the zombies, it wasn’t the mutation-causing rain, and it wasn’t the logistical question about why a funeral home had so many ready-made zombie defenses built in. no, my question came from the nudity.

In the movie’s opening we see Freddy and his uncle working at a medical supplies warehouse. Freddy’s friends are waiting for him to get off work so they can all go to a party. The friends decide to wait in the cemetery (dun dun duuuuuuuuunnnn). While they’re waiting, a girl named Trash starts talkingabout ways that people could die, asking the rhetorical question, ‘what do you think the worst way for you to die would be?’

In the worst piece of foreshadowing EVER, Trash reveals that the worst way to die, in her opinion, would be to be surrounded by a bunch of old guys who would gnaw and bite her until she was dead. “But first,” Trash elaborates, “They rip my clothes off!”

With that, she tears her own shirt right down the front, revealing that she isn’t wearing anything underneath. She tosses the torn garment aside and proceeds to do a little strip-tease dance on top of a grave. She spends the rest of the movie stark naked. This isn’t a huge plot hole since she tries to seduce a guy after her dance and then gets eaten by zombies a few minutes later, but we’re led to believe that her clothes are all torn beyond repair and her boots are now lost.

Imagine that this had been a normal night, Bible Worker. Suppose Freddy had gotten off work, met up with his friends and they all went to the party. Trash has torn off all of her clothes (apropos of nothing) and is stuck traipsing around in a pair of ratty thigh-highs. How would they explain that at the party?

“Hey, Stan! It’s great to see you! Glad you could make it! ...so what’s with the naked girl?”

Not only would she have to go through the entire party naked, but then she would have to go home afterwards. Even if she lived alone she would still have to get out of the car, say her goodbyes to her friends and walk to the door to get in. even if you leave outthe obvious question of how she would get in anyway (one has to assume her keys were in her pocket, which is now in some graveyard bushes), you still have to wonder what’s going through her head and through the heads of the neighbors as well.

I’ve lived a few places, Bible Worker, and while I usually don’t care what people think of the way I dress or the music I listen to, I’m also not thrilled about the idea of old Mr. Penrose upstairs seeing me in the buff. Taking into account that Trash probably has fewer hang-ups about nudity (evidenced by her seeming eagerness for an excuse to bare it all) you still have to figure she’s feeling a little squirmy inside while she trudges up the walk.

That is, of course, unless this is such a common occurrence with Trash that it’s just taken as normal.

“Welcome to Burrito Central. Can I take your order, please?”
“Yeah, I’d like two beef burritos, a large coke, a side of chips and some guacamole.”
“We’re out of guacamole. Sorry.”
“…Then I’m going to rip my clothes off!”
*RRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIPPPPP*
“Ok, can I get you anything else or will that be all?”

Love in Christ,

Ethan

Current Mood: sleepysleepysleepy
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
9:48 am
[lost_in_my_room]
tasty treats
Dear Bible Worker,

In Canada they enjoy a treat called Nanaimo Bars. To make them you combine two oz. of semi sweet chocolate, two cups of graham cracker crumbs, a cup of coconut, half a cup each of softened butter and chopped walnuts, two tablespoons of sugar, one tablespoon of vanilla and an egg. When the ingredients are all combined, you press it all into a nine inch square cake pan and chill it in the fridge.

That’s just the base of course, Bible Worker. We still have two layers to go.

While the base is chilling, combine a quarter cup of softened butter, three tablespoons of milk, two tablespoons of instant vanilla pudding mix and two cups of powdered sugar. You want to blend the sugar in last and spread it all over the base as evenly as you can. Let that chill in the fridge for a quarter of an hour or so.

When you’re ready for the final glaze on top, partially melt 4 0z. of semi-sweet chocolate and a tablespoon of butter. Remove them from the heat and stir them together until they are fully melted into one concoction. Spread that over the custard layer and chill it. that’s how you make Nanaimo Bars.

Cut them into small pieces when you serve them, Bible Worker. They’re pretty rich.

Love in Christ,
Ethan
Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
9:48 am
[lost_in_my_room]
he needed to know
wake up Bible Worker
The Matrix has you

Current Mood: woah
Monday, February 13th, 2006
8:06 am
[lost_in_my_room]
let's talk about feelings
Dear Bible Worker,

i used to look at the pouring rain and i'd feel so uninspired. i'd think of all the things in my way and i would feel so tired. but then you came along and you made me feel so good inside. you made me feel... you make me feel... Bible Worker, you make me feel like a natural woman

Love in Christ,
Ethan

Current Mood: natural
7:11 am
[six_dollar_baby]
Make it stop!
Dear Bible Worker,

Why do birds suddenly appear, any time you are near?

Love in Christ,
-Johnny

Current Mood: just woke up
Friday, February 10th, 2006
10:27 am
[six_dollar_baby]
Burning Questions
Dear Bible Worker,

The other day i was outside having a cigarette, when some guys came up and grabbed my coat. Remembering Jesus' healing of the bleeding woman, i turned to them and said, "Who the fuck touched my garments?"
The miracle was a failure, however, for instead of being healed of their afflictions, they took stones from the ground and pounded the unholy crap out of me instead.

Bible Worker, i know that the Messiah preached about the brotherhood of man, and i have tried to 'turn the other cheek.' But i fear that my patience has run out. If they are my brothers, why can't i beat them?

Love in Christ,
-Johnny

Current Mood: barely awake
9:09 am
[lost_in_my_room]
tattoos
Dear Bible Worker,

I am thinking of getting a tattoo. what sort of tattoo would Jesus get?

Love in Christ,

Johnny

Current Mood: calm
9:04 am
[lost_in_my_room]
Including Jesus
Dear Bible Worker,

People are always telling me that i need to include Jesus in my life and in everything i do. at first this sounded to me like when my mom used to tell me i had to hang out with Smelly Brian in grade school. "Why don't you invite Brian along when you go to the ravines with your friends?" "Oh no, you're not going to the park today, i've arranged a play-date with Brian for you." i kept thinking that if Jesus was so awesome, it was strange that we would have to be told to hang out with him. but, being an open-minded individual, i bought two tickets to the last KISS concert and waited in the parking lot for Jesus to show up and he never did. am i supposed to forgive him for standing me up and making me miss the concert, Bible Worker? has Jesus abandoned me or is he just a jerk?

Love in Christ,

Ethan

Current Mood: awake
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